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Matt

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I'm Baaaack [20 Jul 2004|10:32pm]
[ mood | I don't know ]

I can't believe how long it has been since I last posted. I'm not really sure why I stopped posting, I just did. Anywho, lots has changed since then: I graduated (finally!) I have my learners permit and am starting to drive, I hope to get a job at CompUSA, I have a car (thanks mom) I'm going to start community college at the end of August (i know i know community college but whattayagonnado?) and I think that may be it. Looking back on my posts from so long ago I think I have matured a bit, or at least I hope so. The big bad world scares me a bit though, I'll admit it. I'm not sure I am ready for it, but I'll do my best. Have you all forgotten me? I must admit I have forgotten some of you, I forgot this little world existed for a while. You must all tell me what has happened in your lives recently, (because the thought of looking throughs months of past journals is rather daunting) Well, thats all for now. Goodbye

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Rain... [20 Feb 2004|04:23pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Ah, I love this weather! I love it when it is all rainy and dark and cold and dreary, perfect weather. Earlier there was thunder and lightning too, really cool. I've been feeling especially gothic lately, weird...

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Computers are Weird [19 Feb 2004|03:09pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Okay, well, my computer decided to start working again for some reason. I just don't understand this comp, but it usually works ok so whatever. I've been discon for so long that now that I am back on, I don't really know what to do anymore.
I stayed home from school today because when I woke up my throat hurt really bad plus I was too tired to face another day, so I just slept till noon. I'm getting sick of high school. I wanna leave NOW! This part of my life is over, there is nothing left here for me. I need to be out on my own, but still six months till I can move. Oh well, I'll make it.

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Tiger, Tiger, Burning Bright... [04 Feb 2004|03:11pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

Hello again. I must feel like a stranger huh? My evil computer decided to stop working so I can only get online at school now, and not very frequently. I haven't been able to find out what is going on with all you beautiful people. Not much has happened with me. I was able to pass the semester with no D's so I will be able to start learning how to drive. I can't wait to get my car. Then I can everywhere! Well, as far as I can get with limited gas money. I'll try to update again soon as I can.

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[23 Jan 2004|08:00am]
[ mood | bored ]

Hello again everyone. I haven't updated in a while. Haven't felt like it. Stuff has happened that may be of interest, but eh. I'm at schoo,right now. It is the 6th period final but, seing as how I have no 6th, I am in the library. Nothing else to say. Goodbye.

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Humanity? [18 Jan 2004|11:17pm]
[ mood | philosophical ]

And they fell into the fire, and were consumed, and their greatness passed out of this world forever. But before they fell, they raised up their eyes in question, and they asked those that they called gods, "Why?" And they replied, "It is not we that do this to you, but you that do it to yourselves. We have no more control over your fate than you do." They were blessed, or cursed, with a hunger for knowledge of the universe. And as they learned more and more, they believed themselves to be superior beings; the lords and masters of all that is. But in their advances of rational thought and scientific reasoning, they forgot what they were. Not cold, unfeeling, rational beings, but creatures of emotion and feeling. Or rather, a bit of both. Caught somewhere in the middle of rationality and emotion. Both must be taken into account when considering the paradox that is humanity. Tip too far in one direction, and disaster results. Leaving the watery, emotional, Piscean age. Entering the rational, airy, Aquarian age. I don't like either. I don't like how each of the ages seem to evidence the worst qualities of the particular element. We need to unite the different qualities of each element if we are to ever create a perfect world. Find a happy medium instead of leaning too far to one side. I just don't see how it can happen.
And so, by their own folly, they were destroyed, and never troubled this world again...

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[14 Jan 2004|10:37pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Wrote this on Monday but haven' gotten a chance to post it. My mom doesn't technically want me on the computer but, well, there you are then.

I'm sorry
These two little words
Have lost their meaning
True sorrow
Is overrated
The sting of betrayal
The ache of regret
Tears that never came
Soaking through the paper
When you begin to open up and trust
You both get hurt
A fallen Angel
Someone who is Nothinq
And the doorMatt
Time lost
Cannot be regained
Things said
Cannot be unsaid
Actions done
Cannot be undone
And the ache doesn't fade
It grows stronger
With each passing second
And happiness has fled...

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[11 Jan 2004|10:35pm]
[ mood | The sad sting of regret ]

Went to friend's house this weekend. It was fun. Don't feel like writing more now. Stuff on mind. Got new c.d. Placebo. Sleeping With Ghosts. Yay.

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Heehee, anonymity [09 Jan 2004|11:16pm]
[ mood | Interested ]

Ok, I have seen other people do this and, I want to too. It will be interesting so, everone post an anonymous comment or three saying absolutely anything. Something you want to get off your chest, something funny, something profound, something... EVERYONE!!! Or else I will throw curses down upon you!

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[09 Jan 2004|10:24pm]
[ mood | relieved ]

Wow, the last three days have been very crazy. Yesterday at around 11:30 pm my little sister Becca had to go to the hospital because she had a seizure! Apparently, she got a fever and her temp went up really fast and that caused the seizure. She is fine now, no lasting effect and not all that big of a deal really but we were all pretty scared for a while. My mom said she started shaking and then just went limp and stared into space. She got some anti-biotics and some medicine for her ear because it turned out she has an ear infection. So we are relieved. Also, much drama has been happening. It is weird because this is the first time ever that I have actually been involved in drama. Since I live in a different city than where I go to school, I have always felt kinda cut off from my friends. It's like I dunno, stuff happens but I am never around, I just hear about it, or don't ever hear about it. I can't wait to move out. I got a letter from Cal-Poly Pomona, where I applied, it said I did not meet requirements but perhaps I needed to submit more info and they would reconsider. I need to send them my SAT scores but I can't login to the collegeboard.com site. Urg, maybe I am not meant for college. Whatever happens, happens, and I guess I will just have to go with it.

"And sometimes, the loneliness becomes so great, I feel like I will burst apart from it, and then, it quiets down again, goes back into its cage like the tamed beast that it is. Tamed, but not always controlled. Won't someone kill it for me?

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[08 Jan 2004|10:48pm]
[ mood | Slightly less depressed ]

Yay! I went to yoga today. I go to this place called Yoga House near Old Town Pasadena. The teacher I go to is really cool. She has very nice energy. It feels so good to get back into my practice again! I really need to build up my strength again, (I am naturally very skinny and puny so...) I find it so much easier to relax and focus at Yoga House than at home. There are too many distractions everywhere at home. Hmmm, what else to say? Nothing is immediately springing to mind. So I guess all of this last part of the post is completely pointless. Yay soreness tomorrow!

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Yay, Poem [07 Jan 2004|10:31pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

A feeling I can only imagine
Wrapped up with a lover
Holding each other so closely
Our bodies merge
We become one
A feeling I can only imagine
The intoxicating scent
Staring deep
Into each other's eyes
Into each other's souls
A feeling I can only imagine
I meet you in my dreams
Together
We stroll into eternity
You are out there somewhere
In this wide, wide world
I will find you
Come to me

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[07 Jan 2004|10:20pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Your Existing Situation
Sensuous. Inclined to luxuriate in the things which give gratification to the senses, but rejects anything tasteless, vulgar, or coarse.


Your Stress Sources
The tenacity and strength of will necessary to contend with existing difficulties has become weakened. Feels overtaxed, worn out, and getting nowhere, but continues to stand his ground. He feels this adverse situation as an actual tangible pressure which is intolerable to him and from which he wants to escape, but he feels unable to make the necessary decision.


Your Restrained Characteristics
Relationships rarely measure up to his high emotional expectations and his need to be made the center of things, leading to disappointment . Always has mental reservations and tends to remain emotionally isolated and unattached.
Trying to calm down and unwind after a period of over-agitation which has left him listless and devoid of energy. In need of peace and quiet; becomes irritable if this is denied him.


Clings to his belief that his hopes and ideas are realistic, but needs encouragement and reassurance. Applies very exacting standards to his choice of a partner and wants guarantees against loss or disappointment.


Your Desired Objective
Considers the existing circumstances disagreeable and over-demanding. Refuses to allow anything to influence his point of view.


Your Actual Problem
The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond his capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. His inability to enforce his will causes him to over-react in stubborn defiance and by assigning to others all the blame for his own failures.


Wow, this is so amazingly accurate, especially the part about restrained characteristics.

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[05 Jan 2004|10:40pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

So, my first day back was even crappier than I had thought it would be. My stupid disk that I had my stupid paper on was faulty and I could not print it out. Luckily, I can still turn it in tomorrow but, it will be one grade lower. Stupid school. Also, there was someone I had desperately been wanting to see but, when I saw them again, it was almost too much to bear. Just my silly emotions and this empty lonely hole in my stomach acting up again I guess.
This came to mind while in fifth period, a particularly boring and useless class, so it is a good one for thinking and writing. I have been feeling particularly poetic lately.

::Sigh::
Such a little thing
As a sigh
Yet
Packed with so much meaning
An outburst of emotion
In a very quiet way
Often goes unnoticed
But
Should be payed attention to
For what a sigh can convey
Is sometimes more
Than words can say
A sigh
Speaks its own language
A language
Not always understood
The language of the soul
Spoken by many
Heard by few

I want to add something more but nothing is coming to me. Any ideas?

Oh and hereCollapse ) is the pic of my aura. The colors are a bit off from the real pic but, you get the idea.

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Quizzes are fun [05 Jan 2004|02:13am]
HASH(0x8518a7c)
You, my friend are a true individual. You most
likely hate trends and are creative. By seeing
things differently, people either admire you or
think you are a bit strange. I'm guessing you
are a lot like me. Perhaps a Good Charlotte
hater? I hope so. An inspiration to us all,
continue being you! (If you like GC, I'm sorry,
I am just expressing an opinion)


A Deeper Look Inside Yourself (with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla


Now how did they know that I hate Good Charlotte?

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[04 Jan 2004|10:22pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

Mwah, private entry evilness. I don't know if I want to share that entry with everyone. I am probably just being stupid. It will pass and all will be well again. And if it doesn't, maybe I will share. Maybe. But, I am just being stupid. I don't really want it. It is a just a crazy thought that popped into my head. It will pass. It will pass....

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Qiltipzeezyb [04 Jan 2004|04:38pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

Well, I'm back. The trip was, meh. It really would have been better w/out the family. On the plus side, I did get a pretty kool hat, an ankh amulet, and a picture of my aura taken. They have quite a few metaphysical type stores there, so it's pretty interesting. I've decided, no more family trips for me. I'm done.

So what else...

My cat is MIA. We haven't seen him for quite some time now, so I think it is safe to say he is not coming back. I just hope he didn't get run over or anything. Maybe he found some other family to take care of him. In any case, see ya 'round fluffy. (Yes fluffy, he had a lot of fur ok?) I should go get some food, yeah, food sounds good. Well, maybe after I finish my gigantor paper I have to write by tomorrow. ::grumble::

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n/a [30 Dec 2003|11:19pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Well, I am going to Sedona tomorrow. Whoop-dee-doo. I would be rather happy about going if it wasn't for the fact that I am going with my family.
My mom- "You still want to go right?"
Me- Of course!
Christ! I am so fake sometimes. I wonder why I can never tell her how I really feel? My mother has no idea who I am. I really need to get out of here, permanently. Once I am on my own, maybe I can sort out my feelings and stuff and get my life on track. On the upside I got a couple of cool books today. The original plan upon going out was to get shoes but, things sometimes don't go the way you plan them. (actually pretty much always) I got a book on yoga and a vegetarian cookbook. They should make for some pretty good reading on the seven hour drive to Sedona, although I plan to sleep most of the way. At least I won't be home for New Year's day. I live pretty close to where the Rose Parade ends and the traffic here is crazy that day. Hmmm, I think that is about all I have to say for now. I will see you all Sunday or maybe Saturday. Until then... Farewell

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Grrr... [29 Dec 2003|10:47pm]
[ mood | Too much for one little word ]

I really need to smash something or burn something, or... something. I feel like tearing apart everything in my room with my bare hands and then lighting it ablaze and running naked around the bonfire yelling like a maniac. I feel like ripping all my hair out and tearing all my skin and breaking every bone in my pathetic body. I feel like I need someone who will make it all go away, but... there is no one.

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[27 Dec 2003|04:06pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Left the house today with twenty dollars. Came back with a bagel and a chai latte in my stomach, a Bright Eyes cd in my hand, and a penny in my pocket.

I have come to the conclusion that I need to stop thinking so much. When I think about all the shit in the world, and all the shit around me, and how it will all just get worse... I just get myself down. I need something to take my mind of it all.

I really should start doing yoga again. I haven't for like... a month or so. I miss it.

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